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Having come to the hope/realisation that nobody who is likely to sue me for deformation [sic] of character is reading this diary thing, I've decided in order to make it easier for me to talk about various people in my life, I'm going to start referring to them by code letters not neccessarily connected to their real name. As a consequence, I thought I'd make use of the fact that I have (for some reason inexplicable to myself) woken at seven on a Saturday morning, in order to write a list of people referred to in this manner, updatable later on if neccessary.

I do acknowledge that I *am* somewhat stealing this idea off another diary writer on this site (thanks rubery !!) but it is a fabulous idea, and, um, I'm not calling it the same thing. So here to help you, is a chronological list of friends and other people that I have met and probably irreperably damaged the life of :-)

L - When I was about fifteen, me and my best mate at the time both decided that we liked the same girl (L). She, being a decent sort of person, said that she didn't want to go out with either of us as it would royally piss off the other one. This was fine, except that a little later, me and my best mate masterminded a 'hilarious' practical joke involving headed notepaper from the family planning clinic, and a friend of L's who was a prissy prude. I became synonymous with dog crap, and was no longer welcome in that group of friends. L went out with my best mate who was no longer my best mate, and they stayed together for three or four years, breaking up when they went to University. I start writing to L to break the silence when I'm about 18, and many funny happy letters are exchanged over the course of three or four years. About two years ago, L decides to come and visit me, and fesses up that she is really unhappy with her boyfriend. Long story short - rekindle friendship, rekindle feelings of 15yr olds, some pretty nice sex, some pretty intense soul searching, then L moves house and stops returning my calls. This is a bit of a pisser for me, but I *am* left with the smug knowledge that in the end I got the girl, which helps me over it. Am friends with L now though, but we don't talk about the events of a couple of years back, despite me being VERY curious for answers.

U - A real good friend and confedante through school and uni and still now. One of those great friends who I can not speak to for months, and then upon running into each other in the pub at Christmas, get on with as if we'd never been apart. Responsible for introducing me to one of my (later) girlfriends when at school, for which I guess I better be grateful. But not too grateful else she'll do it again :-) Only kidding. My mum said jokingly that she hates U because she is both gorgeous AND clever, which is true, but not a reason to hate her!

D - Best mate though most of the latter years or school, and still a good friend now despite the geographical separation. Whilst I became more outgoing and wild at university, he calmed down a lot and found God. This isn't something that bothers me 'cause he's always been very eloquent and respectful when I've talked to him about his faith. Was a great help when I was struggling to come to terms with E's religion, as he had faced those issues in relationships himself too.

H - My first proper girlfriend, resulting in one of those times when the strange guy in your class at school starts going out with the shy, pretty, brainy girl. Resulted in what people saw as an 'odd couple', but we were both pretty happy together for six months or so, till (DOH!) little ol' me was unable to deal with the fact that before I started seeing H, nobody would give me a second glance, but since I'd met her the most attractive girls in my school year were throwing themselves at me. During an evening out, fuelled by one of my friends having inherited a couple of grand which he wanted help to drink away, snog with random girl in club, H found out, dumped me (justifiedly so!) and I lost something special. However since then, over the course of seven or eight years, there has been a collection of laughable incidents bordering on the idiotic (e.g. the time when one of my later girlfriends (S - see below) sent H an e-mail saying she was going to put her in a wicker cage with some farm animals and set fire to it), involving me thinking we could be friends, H thinking I wanted her back (OK, so I was probably boosting my self esteem by encouraging her on some level), and various falling into each others arms type stuff. We currently are not speaking, having decided it was too messy, which is a shame, because she is an intelligent and nice lass even if her past obsessiveness (she wanted to give up her university course and move in with me to be my cleaning lady, despite the fact we had split up 3yrs previous) and her taste in men (i.e. me!) is to be questioned. The poem "Let Me Be" by Lucy English describes it very eloquently, especially regarding my part in perpetuating the situation - as suggested at the end of the poem.

C - The lass I lost my virginity to, having met her at a party and spoken to her for about thirty seconds - during which time she ascertained that I was from the North, and wasn't into dance music - she invited me back to hers for 'a shag'. Not believing my luck, I took her up on it, and went back to her place. 'Did the dirty deed' with the accompaniment of the Marilyn Manson album 'Antichrist Superstar', a fact which I SWEAR is directly to blame for at least some of the wierd events in my life since then! When she fell asleep (which *was* afterwards, honestly!) I left, leaving her a post-it note on her bedroom door saying 'Thanks for the shag'. Ooops. Classy. Well, I was young and foolish, and lacking in tact and diplomacy, obviously. Lost touch with her a couple of months later.

S - The girl I went out with through most of my time at university, and THANKFULLY someone whom I am able to have a perfectly normal and healthy friendship with now, despite having once been in a relationship with them for ~2yrs. The break up was mutual, the relationship was originally sparked by mutual interests and similarities which have not completely disappeared now and means we can be good easy going mates, which is nice. Our relationship at Uni was pretty great, and did me a lot of good w.r.t. helping the shaping of myself as a person from the guy I was at 17 to the age I am now. It came to a natural end when things went a bit stale, and I was technically unfaithful to her, which I am not proud of.

JH - Another friend I made at University, and one who I see quite often now as she lives local to me. Again I'm happy to be myself around JH most of the time, which is excellent, but sometimes I realise I am pissing her off greatly, and I sometimes occassionally wonder if we would have stayed in touch had we not ended up living within 20 miles of each other.

JF - Very good friend over the past three or so years with similar surreal sense of humour to me, and similar outlook on life. Even more laid back than me, which is probably of great benefit to my sanity. Says that I overanalyse things, which is true. Wrongly I sometimes envy the fact he seems to have everything work out fine for him with minimum effort, but in truth he works bloody hard at it.

E - Subject of an earlier rant I wrote. I lived with a load of girls at one time a year or two back, who were practicing Christians. Being a tolorant (you decide!) type of guy, rather than dismiss their faith, I talk to them about it, and end up talking a lot of times late into the night with the very pretty, intelligent and generally lovely E. What was most attractive (and this is something that never fails to float my goat) was that she was unaware of how beautiful she was. Anyhow, following many chats between me and best mate JF about whether I should approach her or not, and a lucky break when I overheard E's telling her friend on the phone that she fancied me, there followed three or four months of creeping around the house into each others rooms late at night in order to make sure that the other housemates didn't supsect anything. I'm not happy about being graphic about what went on, but to summarise, I got a new job and moved out, and there followed ten months of letters passing between us where I tried to understand why it was that she didn't think we could work, and she didn't understand why I couldn't see it wouldn't work. The thing is, I believe it would have done if not for the religion issue. Don't get me wrong - faith is fine and dandy and we all should have our own personal spiritual and moral side - it's just that I get a bit twitchy and angry where organised religion is concerned. In the end things got to such an impasse between us that E and I barely speak any more, which is a great loss to me, because I presumed that we could be friends even if we wouldn't work as a couple. The ball seems to be in her court permanantly and her problem with me and her feelings for me have spoilt the friendship :-(

I'm sure I'll add to and edit this over the course of time. Now all I need to do is to work out how to archive and link to this pile of crap!