Thursday, Apr. 12, 2012 - 23:24

Look for a whole field of ponies, because then we can jazz them up and make jazz ponies.

1. Am feeling rather downtrod this evening, so apols in advance for any profanity, dullness or anal leakage encountered in the consumption of this entry. I think what's made me feel this way has been a frustrating day at work where I realised that my attempts to do everything I have outstanding to do by the end of the week is a hopeless task - because in the past four years I have never been completely up to date with my lists of things to do. It's just saddening knowing that I will be a scapegoat and be blamed for everything that's gone wrong, and there's nothing I can do. I feel an appauling lack of control with regards this and my impending joblessness too.

2. Things haven't been helped by the fact I got my final payslip today, and the holiday pay appears significantly less than it should be. I'm going to have to contact HR tomorrow to try to get it sorted, but feeling negative like I do, I am betting that the pittance *is* right, that it's all I deserve, and that I am a stupid fuck for thinking I should have more. Fucking annoying.

3. My brother's birthday today. He called up on my landline just as I was having a bad twenty minutes feeling a bit sad/angry, and because I couldn't face talking to him, I ignored it. He called my mobile and left a message. I had a bit of dinner and felt a bit braver, and called him back afterwards. It wasn't too upsetting a conversation, it's just that the yawning great differences between the way I am and he is, and the different points of view.. well it made it a little stilted and civil. This is a shame, and it is mainly my fault, I feel. He is the normal one, I am the antisocial freak.

4. I was reading about Polycotylus reproduction today, and I never realised that Plesiosaurs were viviparous. Interesting also to see that K-selected life-history strategies (investing a lot more parental care in a smallnumber of young) appear to have been standard in these - unusually for reptiles.

5. This evening I watched a Ricky Gervais one-off comedy called 'Derek'. I was really very pleasantly surprised - considering how disappointed I was by 'Life's Too Short' and a few other recent things he did, and considering how articles I read this week about the programme have been critical of Gervais supposedly making fun of the disabled. He didn't - there's just some kind of reactionary knee-jerk taboo against any sitcom with a minority in. The show was in fact very clever, very well acted, and very touching indeed. Not very funny, but I didn't care about that, it was impressive in other ways.

6. Tomorrow, my last day in my job, is worrying me. I think it's because I find the practical and emotional side of leaving the job to be fundamentally awkward. People may be upset, which is a mixture of nice that they care and awkward because I am male and don't deal with that very well. There is the fact I will be asked the same thing again and again (yes it is shit and I am sad to go, no I don't have anything lined up yet). There is my lack of self-confidence that'll make any attempt by me to say goodbye to people make me feel like I am saying "hey look at me, I am going, you are supposed to react to this", and.. um.. I don't know how I'll react if they give me a card or gift or something.

7. I'll be OK. It's odd - I am complaining that I am well liked and appreciated, and that this might lead to unpleasant emotion for myself and people who like me, if circumstances change like they have done. Hey nonny noo.. the coming weeks will be more of a challenge than a stirring day at work :-)

8. Episode of 'Inbetweeners' this evening involving a cute Irish girl, a paedo, four boys in a boat with one of them ending up punching a fish to death, and another of them naked. Funny, despite having seen it two or three times before (which is why I forewent/foregoed the second of the double-header).

9. Y'know I was talking about my favourite footballing upsets a few weeks back? I recalled another one today - the pleasure with which I watched Croatia beat Germany 3-0 at World Cup 1998 (I remember eating Walkers crisps while I did so, in my student flat in Nottingham) after Worns was sent off.. lovely stuff, and it made up for the regret I felt at missing Bulgaria beating Germany four years previously because my parents took me out on a day trip of some ilk.

10. Right. I figure I might struggle to sleep tonight, so I'm off to play a few games of FIFA on the ol' xbox, drink milky liquids, and get tireder. Wish me luck tomorrow, with relatively little awkwardness, pain and suffering.